I had a moment of truth today, when i was honest about what i wanted in life.  that was a few hours ago and now i sit struggling again my with decision and where they have led me.  I have been listening a lot to a wonderful songwriter called Griffin House.  I had the priviledge of hearing and seeing him perform live last week.  His lyrics are amazing and the sould with which he sings is something to which i aspire.  I have been listening as i drive down the country roads and see the last of the fall colors this week.  It feels as if every song has been written for me.  "when did you become so damn afraid of being alone?" he sings.  Good question.  I realized today that i've been making some decisions out of fear of being alone.  Isn't it amazing how lonely one can feel when something isn't right?  And so now i sit, knowing that to stay where i am at will ultimately lead to more lonliness, but to change paths will cause some pain as well.  I know what i need to do.  Now i am looking for the strength to do it.

i just composed a post. about life, taking risks, getting hurt, and remaining strong. it disappeared into cyberspace. and so i will let it be for now....but the lesson is this.  you never know what will be accepted and rejected.  it is taking the risk that matters.
Happy Easter all.

i just wanted to give a short update.  this fall has found me to be kicking and screaming all the way back to school.  I left teaching to persue my own career in the arts, only to find myself desparate to find a job right where i started.  i've tried for things outside of education, but no doors open yet.  right now, i am teaching music part time in a small town about 17 miles away. it isn't at all what i wanted to be doing.  it doesn't pay the bills and i worry every day about my children and how we'll get by.  funny how a situation like that can bring some good. 

shortly after this happened (my plans fell through) my daughter asked that we start going back to church.  that we did.  and i have been so blessed with wonderful people and the presence of God in my life again.  In addition, i've strengthened relationships with existing friends and reconnected with old ones, (thanks facebook!)

i am starting to breathe again.  for me, it's about giving up control.  i have no idea where i'm headed.  i realize now what my priorities are and i'm going for it.  musically and artistically, i am writing and working on a play.  no, it's not chicago, but hey, this is a great town.  inspiration is whereever you find it.  i could do without the fear and the financial strain.  so could a lot of us.  but i have found who is truly important to me and i couldn't ask for more than that.  thank you to all of you who believe in me and continue to support my music/acting.  you are a blessing and won't be forgotten.

Chicago will still be there.  But my girls are only young once.  I had to stay here because if I didn't I would risk losing them.  So, . . . . . how else can i nurture my art?  Somedays i just want to eat gallons of peanut butter/chocolate ice cream and stay in bed, but that doesn't get a whole lot done besides adding a few pounds.  Writing, teaching, voice lessons, anything i can think of to keep going.  So keep watching the website.  I am working on some new music and hope to have more originals up before Thanksgiving.  Also, take a listen to music from the show "the Last Five Years."  It was an amazing experience for me and to everyone who was involved i am extremely grateful.

it's amazing how much our past affects the choices we make.  i have been going back and forth in my mind for weeks about whether or not to sell my house to make this move.  for all of my life i have wanted to be an actor.  and in march, i made the leap to quit my job, to force myself to move toward that goal.  now the reality sets in.  i see how hard it will be to be a mom, in the way that i am now.  i am with them everyday.  wel laugh and swim and snack on icecream, when mommy has some money.  i will miss that.  i will miss seeing my dearest friends every night and improvising with them each week.  they have shown me so much kindness and compassion.  they have shown me what true friends do and who true friends are.  i will miss my dog terribly, although i know he will go to a great family.  it is a lot to choose. 

i went to see Wall-e today with my children.  i cried all the way through.  from the beginning when EVE began to fly---she was free for that time.  free from her oppressors, free from her directive.  and i felt that tinge of pain in my heart.  the pain that comes from freedom of choice.  i am making a choice to give up my house and my stability for uncertainty and loneliness.  i was expecting to make thisjourney with someone else, but fate would have it otherwise.  i suppose it's for the best.

and this got me thinking.  we make choices for so many reasons.  some people make choices based on hurt.  a lot of us have been hurt in the past by a parent, a sibling or a love, and we freeze there.  it's like we are living in that time, never growing from that person we were when we were last wounded.  i feel that i am making choices based on a dream.  i am doing my best to be educated about these choices and make the best plans for my girls and myself.  but sometimes we make choices out of fear.  i could make the choice to stay.  to find a job or go back to one like my old one so that i may keep the house and afford all the comforts of the life i had just a few months ago.  that would be from fear.  but instead i will move forward, and hope that it wont be with regret.  when we have been hurt, it's easy not to chose.  we will wait and not move forward. we are more comfortable sitting back and letting things happen and blaming others for our state of being.  and when we look up and our life has not improved we will reach out and place judgement.  i pray that i will always be strong enough to make a choice.  i used to wait for things to happen and pray for signs.  i wanted protection and guarantees.  but they don't exist in this life and so. . . . i will move.  i will not be bogged down by abuse, degredation, criticism, or anger.  i will not listen to the negative tapes in my head.  i will not enable someone to choose to be a victim or a martyr.  i choose to move forward and to teach my little ones about dreams and hard work.  and i will love them just as i do now.

there is something in the air.  most people i know are going through some kind of transition in their lives.  this is a good thing.  people are moving from what is expected to following their hearts.  if we are to be happy, we must first choose to be happy, and then do things that nurture that happiness.  no more conformity.  follow your dream, do what you love, and you will survive.  i believe this.

we all have our weaknesses.  mine is sleep.  when i don't sleep i don't laugh. i don't function.  i push myself to go father and do more.  but it does come back to haunt.  the nights i think i will sleep, i end up being awoken.  it is just life.  but at some point, we should be able to live life the way we wish, instead of life dragging us a long.  take it. live it.  sleep when you need sleep, dance til morning when you feel the spirit.  soon my weakness will become a blessing.

our minds can move things.  someone said that matter is the materialization of thought.  a healthy mind leads to a healthy life.  stay positive, stay focused and anything can become reality.  even these fire breathing donkey, created by my little munchkin.