just a girl from Illinois tryin' to be heard. my songs come from my heart. my hope is that you'll feel when you hear them. not what i feel, but find some part of yourself that relates. and if you like the melody, even better. life is a lot better with music. i've been singing since i was little and am finally getting it out there. glad you are joining me.
i have given up the stable job for a life of performing. it wasn't a choice, it was a necessity. i am scared. really scared. my kids depend on me, and yet, i need to be a whole me in order to be a mom for them. for me, performing and acting is not about the praise or the glory. it is about the love of the art. it chose me, and i'm so glad it did.
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Chicago will still be there. But my girls are only young once. I had to stay here because if I didn't I would risk losing them. So, . . . . . how else can i nurture my art? Somedays i just want to eat gallons of peanut butter/chocolate ice cream and stay in bed, but that doesn't get a whole lot done besides adding a few pounds. Writing, teaching, voice lessons, anything i can think of to keep going. So keep watching the website. I am working on some new music and hope to have more originals up before Thanksgiving. Also, take a listen to music from the show "the Last Five Years." It was an amazing experience for me and to everyone who was involved i am extremely grateful.
it's amazing how much our past affects the choices we make. i have been going back and forth in my mind for weeks about whether or not to sell my house to make this move. for all of my life i have wanted to be an actor. and in march, i made the leap to quit my job, to force myself to move toward that goal. now the reality sets in. i see how hard it will be to be a mom, in the way that i am now. i am with them everyday. wel laugh and swim and snack on icecream, when mommy has some money. i will miss that. i will miss seeing my dearest friends every night and improvising with them each week. they have shown me so much kindness and compassion. they have shown me what true friends do and who true friends are. i will miss my dog terribly, although i know he will go to a great family. it is a lot to choose.
i went to see Wall-e today with my children. i cried all the way through. from the beginning when EVE began to fly---she was free for that time. free from her oppressors, free from her directive. and i felt that tinge of pain in my heart. the pain that comes from freedom of choice. i am making a choice to give up my house and my stability for uncertainty and loneliness. i was expecting to make thisjourney with someone else, but fate would have it otherwise. i suppose it's for the best.
and this got me thinking. we make choices for so many reasons. some people make choices based on hurt. a lot of us have been hurt in the past by a parent, a sibling or a love, and we freeze there. it's like we are living in that time, never growing from that person we were when we were last wounded. i feel that i am making choices based on a dream. i am doing my best to be educated about these choices and make the best plans for my girls and myself. but sometimes we make choices out of fear. i could make the choice to stay. to find a job or go back to one like my old one so that i may keep the house and afford all the comforts of the life i had just a few months ago. that would be from fear. but instead i will move forward, and hope that it wont be with regret. when we have been hurt, it's easy not to chose. we will wait and not move forward. we are more comfortable sitting back and letting things happen and blaming others for our state of being. and when we look up and our life has not improved we will reach out and place judgement. i pray that i will always be strong enough to make a choice. i used to wait for things to happen and pray for signs. i wanted protection and guarantees. but they don't exist in this life and so. . . . i will move. i will not be bogged down by abuse, degredation, criticism, or anger. i will not listen to the negative tapes in my head. i will not enable someone to choose to be a victim or a martyr. i choose to move forward and to teach my little ones about dreams and hard work. and i will love them just as i do now.
there is something in the air. most people i know are going through some kind of transition in their lives. this is a good thing. people are moving from what is expected to following their hearts. if we are to be happy, we must first choose to be happy, and then do things that nurture that happiness. no more conformity. follow your dream, do what you love, and you will survive. i believe this.
we all have our weaknesses. mine is sleep. when i don't sleep i don't laugh. i don't function. i push myself to go father and do more. but it does come back to haunt. the nights i think i will sleep, i end up being awoken. it is just life. but at some point, we should be able to live life the way we wish, instead of life dragging us a long. take it. live it. sleep when you need sleep, dance til morning when you feel the spirit. soon my weakness will become a blessing.
our minds can move things. someone said that matter is the materialization of thought. a healthy mind leads to a healthy life. stay positive, stay focused and anything can become reality. even these fire breathing donkey, created by my little munchkin.
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my friend Jason Michael Bentley took these pictures, helped me start this site, and sometimes sings with me at shows. in other words, i wouldn't be here without him. so visit his site, cuz he's a cool dude and very talented. thanks jason.
www.jasonbentleyonline.com
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